Monday, January 28, 2008

Thank you for not showing smoking

First of all, last week's work.

Check for my double-ender (TV talk for when there are two people on TV talking in different locations) about the Ed Horne trial in Iqaluit. It includes me telling the story of talking with the multiply convicted sex offender on the stairs of the courthouse.

To make a long story short, he asked us not to use the footage of him smoking a cigarette, as it would be a bad influence on his children... the irony is thick enough to use as wallpaper paste.

Off to Cape Dorset, for the Dog Slaughter commission. We always ask for more travel, but when it comes, it is a pain in the ass. I'm packed and ready, and could finish Moby Dick if we get storm stayed, or weathered in as they say in these parts.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Things I learned playing Radio Bingo

Double Postage Stamp: the four blocks in any two corners filled
Little Joe: the blocks surrounding the free square filled
Blackout: All the blocks filled
Picture frame: The entire outside of the card filled

People say

"People say
You can't be called The Cap'm
Unless you drive a boat
Well I don't"

So, today is the most despressing day of the year, Blue Monday:

and I can feel the crazy out there. Friday evening, we went to Northmart to get some food and the like. We are waiting in the line to pay behind this man running around like crazy because he forgot his lemon.

"I just need to get my lemon. Can I pay now and get a lemon on the way out? I really need my lemon," and so on. This guy was lemon fixated.

My seven-year-old step-son says to him, "Lemons, they are too sour."

Then, the shithead turned to the boy and said, "Well, why don't you mind your own business."

The boy is seven. This man is a late 40's lawyer here in Iqaluit, and I remember his face well.

I was a good 15 feet away, but it didn't stop me from shouting after him, "Well, why don't you go to hell." If I had been standing closer, there would have been a forced apology from the jerk... the boy is SEVEN.

Iqaluit is teeming with children, a product of the highest birth rates in Canada. If you can't handle a citrus based inquiry while you are holding up the line for an army of people, move.

Which brings me to my first line, a quote from "The Cap'm" by They Might Be Giants. If you want to fight off the Blue Mondays, I recommend a solid diet of "The Else", their newest album, and produced by the legendary Dust Brothers.

"Look me over, I'm the Cap'm"

And to the lemon maniac, keep your commentary to yourself when you are dealing with other peoples kids. I was very close to losing my temper there.

"We've been driving around
from one end of this town
to the other
and back
No one's ever seen us
driving our Econoline van
and no one's ever heard of our band

Friday, January 18, 2008

Quote of the day

Kate Nova:

"I apologize, but saying fuck is the same thing as implying it. "

That it is.

Took the words out of my mouth

From Nunatsiaq News:

"May I also suggest that GN needs a strategy on... strategies? No more strategies without implementation plans, please - they're rarely worth the paper they're written on."

Jack Hicks

You don't need my editorial on the subject, just read Jack's letter.

Monday, January 14, 2008

There are lies, damned lies

and statistics. Inspired by Inflatable Elvis -- and powered by Statcounter -- here is a list of what people are searching for when they stumble across this blog:

Biggest hitter: Ralph Wiggum in '08
If you want hits on your blog, mention Ralph Wiggum.

Misinformation: Inuktitut
I have had searches for "say good morning in inuktitut" "inuit word for poop" "how do you say thank you in inuktitut"

Gatorade Scientists: World Juniors
Two different searches, one for the world juniors, and another for the ads

Piano Man: Piano Bar at the Top of the world
Someone looking for "piano bars in kent" found Kent talking about the piano at the Eureka Weather Station... hope they liked it, I liked writing it

Welcome to the Future: Bender
"bite my shiny metal x video"

and the Award for "The Strangest Search to End up at my Blog" goes to:
"gatorade charles manson"

I defy you to combine those into some sort of reasonable thought.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Prince of Prince Street

It is rare for me to see something -- short of a warm looking beach -- that makes me long for PEI. This short breaking news item from the Charlottetown Guardian's website did that... when you have time to track the streakers, there are not a lot of overriding social problems to be addressed.

Naked man marches down middle of Prince Street
The Guardian
Office workers and pedestrians were treated to a bizarre one-person parade
in Charlottetown this morning as a man walked down the middle Prince Street
stark naked.The man appeared to be "walking with a purpose' along the yellow
line on Prince Street, said a female witness, who didn't want to be
identified.She said the man didn't have a stitch of clothing on. He was even
barefoot as he marched along the cold pavement."He was in a full-fledged rant,'
said the witness.

"It was just a roar.'Police picked up the man shortly after he walked
through the intersection of Grafton and Prince streets. He was taken to the
Queen Elizabeth Hospital.The Guardian is trying to contact the police for more

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Baby, it's cold outside

Look at the halfway mark for my stuff.

I did one of those stories that I wouldn't do if I reported for a Northern media outlet... I did the "It is damn cold outside" story. Most of our audience is in the south, sometimes I just have to suck it up and do it.

However, I really nailed this one. It includes:

-- kids playing street hockey in -50
-- the water truck guys
-- a local musician playing his song "Water Truck Driver"
-- me freezing a cup of coffee outside
-- me using ikki in two ways, one to say "it is cold" and the other to say "it is really f'in cold out here".

They all can't be Woodward and Bernstein, fluff can be fun if you have the right attitude.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Form lettr'd

I got form lettered -- or form letter'd for fans of Homestar Runner.

Long term readers will remember that back in December, I wrote Al Gore's people to try and get the rights to use the Al Gore Futurama commercial for an Inconvenient Truth in my year ender. One wrote me back with a nice letter, saying they didn't know who controlled the footage, but wishing me luck. Thanks, anonymous PR guy, you didn't suck.

Now to the one that did suck.:

Thank you for your kind request. Unfortunately, Mr. Gore's schedule is
extremely overbooked and we're unable to offer any availability. With
Gore's travel and work schedule booked fully throughout the year, it's
very difficult to decline invitations such as yours, but it's an unfortunate
inevitability of the growing influence of the climate crisis message and the
demand on Mr. Gore's time. We do apologize, but thank for your interest.

I didn't ask for availability, I asked for the clip of Bender dismissing global warming.

So, as Bender would say, they can bite my shiny metal ass.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Why we get our Northern Tax Benefit

... also, why most people don't last more than a few years in Nuanvut.

Currently in Iqaluit
Friday, January 4, 2008 12:00:00 PM EST
Temp : -32.4°C Ice Crystals
Wind: NW at 21 km/h
Wind Gusts: 45 km/h
Windchill: -46.0° C
Visibility: 0.4 km

It is -51 with the wind chill.

Wiggum in '08

You all must tune in and watch the brand new Simpson's episode on Sunday. It has been a long time since they were this relevant.

The plot this week, Ralph Wiggum runs for President.

Faced with the proverbial rock and hard place, Ralphie boy is the only reasonable choice for American voters in this presidential year.

They haven't done a Ralph-centric episode in years.

Burn 'em all Ralphie, burn 'em all.

Just look at his history, everything he has had to say is on the record, and I back him in his bid for the most powerful office in the world, my cat's breath smells like cat food too:

Domestic policy:

"I flushed a potato down the toilet and now we have to live in a hotel"

"I wanna be a triangle!

International Relations:

"I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and Santa and... "

Homeland Security:

"(On fire) In my house we call them "uh ohs".

"My daddy shoots people"


"Me fail English? That's unpossible"


"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger outta there

AND the one that makes me laugh the hardest:

Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Me too Ralph, me too.

I Choo-choo choose you Ralph

Thursday, January 3, 2008

We Made Holly Laugh

Last night, at long last, the network aired our "Year in Review" story from Iqaluit. You can find it here for a brief time, until the link becomes unstable:

Last item of the show.

We were so damn charming we made our anchor laugh. It was very cold outside.