Monday, March 30, 2009


From the "Truth is stranger than fiction" file.

The guy from the Shamwow infomercials got into a fist fight with a hooker.

She lost:

Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go."

The moral of the story, NEVER kiss a prostitute.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Happy Birthday CB4

I sent The Boy to school wearing his Chris Bosh shirt today... actually, he sent himself. He wears it as often as it is clean, and often tries to when it isn't.

If you aren't following the latest Chris Bosh saga, I'm not going to fill you in. I will quote this:

Vincent Wills, who is representing Bosh, said: "Chris denies the non-support. We will be filing a reply at the end of the week."

There you have it. That is what Chris Bosh's lawyer is saying. The Toronto Star convicted him with the headline "Deadbeat Dad". Not even an "accused" in there, even though his ex is the only one to file papers.

Or, as Doug Smith - who has folowed the Raptors since Day One -- wrote:

If all of the points made in the case are true, Chris Bosh has absolutely bamboozled me and thousands of other people he’s come in contact with on an almost daily basis during the past six NBA seasons.

Remember, this is a guy who gave $1 million to a toronto Foundation he started. Doesn't sound too tight with a dime to take care of his own dauighter to me.

There are two sides to every story, I hope Bosh's side comes out sooner than later. I'm sure the truth isn't pretty, but it may not be so one sided.

The article breaking the story was accurate and good, the headline was shit, and the guy who broke the story (fucking Feschuk) usually writes opinion. Today, he is back with an opinion story about Bosh and the situation... which hat are you wearing today Feschuk?

I should mention that the story broke on BOsh's 25th birthday. Remember when you were a 25 year-old millionaire? I'm sure you didn't make any mistakes...

Tonight, I want him to score 40 points. Nothing says "Hey Toronto Star headline writer, go eat a bowl of fuck" like dropping 40.

Monday, March 23, 2009

More Dead Milkmen

Today I bring you quote worthy quotes from the non-distorted punk pleasure that is The Dead Milkmen's masterpiece, Bucky Fellini:

I like to scream
I like to yell
That's 'cause I'm sick
And I need help
The specialist won't hurt me
He's not like the nuns
He's got a lot of pretty pills
I think I'll take some yellow ones
Take me to the specialist

- Mr. Huberty
- Yes god
- You wouldn't happen to have any power tools?
(psychopathic laughter)

Wonderin' what would happen if Nancy Sinatra suddenly freaked out and
climbed a tree and decided she doesn't want to do 'These Boots are Made for
Walking' any more and all she ever wanted to do for the rest of her natural
life was hum the 'Theme to Swat'.

I always thought they were saying "And own a beaver swatch" instead of the Theme to Swat thing..... really doesn't matter, neither makes much sense.

Poke out your eyes
And move to Portland
Kill your wife
And move to Portland
Burn down your home
And move to Portland
Come on everybody!
We're movin' to Portland

The episode of Lost called "NOt in Portland" should have featured this song.

When we get to Graceland
We'll have to ride a bus
We'd better watch our language
Or the guards will beat us up
We'll get to make some cheap jokes
And buy cheaper souvenirs
If this were Disneyworld
I'd buy a pair of Elvis ears

Two, three, four!
Look out Stevie Ray Vaughn
Look out Charlie Sexton
Look out you cheesy Texas mother fuckers!

Don't try to tell me that you're an intellectual
Cause you're just another boring bisexual
"I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party"
Blow it out your hairdo 'cause you work at Hardees (When Rod says "Hardees"
there's the sound of a page turning)
80 pounds of make up on your art school skin
80 points of I.Q. located within

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger

Let's go dinin' on rocks and glass
Get the hiccups if we eat too fast
See how long our love can last
Let's go dinin' on rocks and glass

You are invited
To The Blood Orgy of the Atomic Fern
You are invited
So many things for you to learn
You are invited
You might wanna bring some extra dip
A case of RC Cola
And a couple of leather whips

Jellyfish heaven
Is not like Japan
Jellyfish heaven
Is not like Thailand
Jellyfish heaven
Is a lot
Like LA

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Municipal Planning

Iqaluit has sprung up rather haphazardly over the years. Whenever I look at the layout of our City, I am reminded of a song from my delinquent childhood, City of Mud by the Dead Milkmen.

I love the Dead Milkmen and have since I was 13. I blame them for an entire lifetime of seeking non-conformist music, their early influence led me to Public Enemy and countless other bands that my parents hated.

"Built ourselves a city
And we propped it up with wood
We were drunk when we made it
Hell! We did the best we could"

Not only does it describe how our City is, it gives a plan for the future. It is also a good reminder that the mud season is coming. Read on:

Built ourselves a city
And we made it out of mud
We dried it off this morning
Out there in the desert sun
And we never do no working
Just sit and watch TV
Well, I finally found a city
Full of people just like me

Well we're gonna drag Bruce Springsteen
By his axe through our streets
By the time we're done The Boss
Will look like a side of beef
We've got plans for other wankers
Who might come through our town
Y'know we're going to rid the world
Of those Top-40 clowns
Then we're going to buy some bombs
Just like the big boys have
So don't call us losers
Or you might just make us mad!

Built ourselves a city
And we propped it up with wood
We were drunk when we made it
Hell! We did the best we could
And still we don't do no working
Just sit and watch TV
Well, I finally found a city
Full of people just like me

Someone tried to build a health spa
But we quickly burned it down
'Cause we don't want any healthy people
Ruining our town
Y'know, we used to have a K-Mart
We burnt that sucker too
'Cause they wouldn't let you in
Without a shirt or shoes
And we never paved the roads
We just bought VCR's
When you got good movies
Hell, you don't need any cars

Built ourselves a city
And we call it WiseGuyVille
And we made a few mistakes
Like putting children on the pill
And we never do no working
'Cause we got cable TV
Hell, I finally found a city
Full of people just like me

Someday we'll have a new land
From sea to shining sea
Someday we'll have a country
Full of people just like

I looked high and wide for a video of City of Mud, and no luck. But we do have these, mostly from a reunion show they did in Austin Texas in Nov 2008. Kate, you now have a mission. Kidnap Joe Jack Talcum or Rodney Anonymous when you are in Austin, and make them play Open Mic nights here.:

"If the black guy with the Arab sounding name can become President, then you fuckers have no excuse"

Everyone knows that a burrow Owl lives in the ground, why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl anyway?"

Punk Rock Girl Sing a Along "Nothin' man, it's stolen"
Plus a special dedication of Tiny Town to Sarah Palin.

Smokin Banana peels in between meals:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Get the Frak out of here

Battlestar Galactica ends on Friday. In honour of that, please welcome the proud return of the BattleStar Galactica LOLCats:

Friday, March 13, 2009

Outtakes from Sesame Street

Even if you aren't a fan of Elmo, Elmo is a fan of you. Just watch this. Ricky Gervais joins Elmo on the Sesame Street set.

Kevin Clash -- Elmos performer -- is just as quick as Ricky.

Elmo turns to the producer and says, "When did you loose control of this interview."

Elmo fan or not, just watch it:

Thursday, March 12, 2009

You really want to stop bootleggers?

Check this out. From CBC PEI, about three guys busted for illegal cigarettes:

Three men from western P.E.I. have been ordered to pay more than $500,000 in fines for dealing in illegal cigarettes.

The provincial fines levied were much higher than they would have been a year ago. Under amendments to the provincial act proclaimed last March 15, fines can equal five times the tax that was due if the cigarettes had been sold legally. Previously, the provincial fines were equal to the tax payable.

James Banks of Summerside, Donald MacArthur of Belmount and Joseph Hippenstall of Summerside were convicted under P.E.I.'s Tobacco Tax Act and the federal Excise Act after 1,750 cartons of cigarettes were seized on June 7. Fines were levied under both acts.

Banks and MacArthur were each charged $234,094.30 in provincial fines and $40,000 in federal fines and given three years to pay. Hippenstall was ordered to pay $2,794 in provincial fines and $1,000 in federal fines, with one year to pay.

If they don't pay their fines, the province can seize their assets, including their homes. The fines were handed down last week in Summerside provincial court.

For the part that has me interested, read again:

The provincial fines levied were much higher than they would have been a year ago. Under amendments to the provincial act proclaimed last March 15, fines can equal five times the tax that was due if the cigarettes had been sold legally. Previously, the provincial fines were equal to the tax payable.

An act like directed at illegal booze in Nunavut would be devastating to the illegal trade. It would also cripple those responsible finacially forever (which is really the down side).... but I bet the good olde boys in West Prince will think twice before selling illegal smokes.

Sometimes, you have to shoot a hostage to get the attention of the others, I'm just sayin'

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Our Smallest Reporter

More help at the office today, this time on account of professional development for the teachers. We started our own "professional development" here today, bringing in The Boy to hang out with me and learn (or teach) a trick or two. Looks like he has it figured out, look directly into the camera and try to look serious:

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Our smallest camera operator

I have some help at the office this morning, some tiny help.

He works for Honeycombs, and aside from the regular poop (and actual poop) you have to deal with from artistic types, he is good help..... plus, Elmo breaks.

Monday, March 2, 2009

DId he just call CB4 a drag Queen?

You decide. Here is what Shaquille O'Neal had to say after beating in the Raptors brains and getting 40 pts for the first time since 2004. Bosh was complaining that the officials are slow to call 3 in the key on Shaq Daddy:

"I heard what Chris Bosh said, and that's strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men," O'Neal said. "I'm going to do the same thing (in their next meeting) I did before - make him quit. Make 'em quit and complain. It's what I do."

The RuPaul of big men.... that one may stick, he is a little delicate (he is also a derseving All-Star and a fantaastic franchise player.

For extra Shaq, he also said this:

"I think I'm the only player who looks at each and every center and says to myself, 'That's barbecued chicken down there.'

If CB4 is the RuPaul of big men, Shaquilel is the Young MC of NBA players rapping:

Or maybe the Fat Joe.....

LEAVE CHRIS BOSH ALONE FATTY...... and go have some more BBQ chicken.