No Easy Layups

My beloved Raptors are in Ottawa for training camp, with only three players still in place from last year's roster. Considering last year, that is most welcome. However; the new players may not have a sense of Raptors history, which is the subject of this here blog post.

Rasho, you are an old new face, you can skip this.

There are three players in the league who can never receive an easy layup at the ACC. Only three. Thing is, your first two home games feature 2 of those guys, so here is a primer on the No Easy Layup list for the Toronto Raptors home games.



Vince Carter: Crybaby Vince. I'm going to take my ball and go home Vince. My mother makes comments for me in the press Vince Carter. Vince Carter demanded a trade out loud, reducing his trade value to next to nothing. He made statements about the city, the franchise and his teammates. He is public enemy number 1. I was sitting in a hotel room in Winnipeg last year when he killed us in overtime with that reverse dunk, felt like puking. Fans boo him in Toronto before he gets off the bus, and every time he touches the ball, and he earned it. Other stars have left and do not get booed, Tracy McGrady doesn't get attacked while touching the ball. VC is special, don't forget it. He gave up on the team, here is what he said, when asked if he tried to play hard after deciding eh wanted a trade, "In years past, no. I was fortunate to have the talent. You get spoiled when you're able to do a lot of things. You see that you don't have to work at it."



Kevin Garnett: For KG, the "No Easy Layup" decree should spread all over the league. Last year he got so close to CB4 during a posession that his chin was actually resting on Bosh's chest. I think Bosh should have knocked his shining head clean off, but CB4 is a man of peace. He got involved in a taunting incident with Jose Calderon during that game. Earlier in the season, with the game in hand, the Celtics pulled an alley-oop dunk on the Raps while they were running out the clock. It was so low rent that Triano took a meaningless timeout to display his anger. Better extend that no Easy Lay Up rule to the entire roster of Celtics.



Shaquille O'Neal: Last year he called Bosh "the Ru-Paul of big men", and stole a television show from Canadian Steve Nash. Considering his age, his mouth is writing checks his body can't cash. Pheneomal dancer or not, there must be no easy lay ups for O'Neal in Toronto.

See, these are the special cases. Antonio Davis was afraid of the metric system, but no one booed him. No one boos TJ Ford, or Jermaine O'Neal, and both are former Raps who could have been more successful in their time there. Even if Bosh decides to sign somewhere else, I won't boo him, he has to make a business decision. As long as he doesn't demand a trade, thereby reducing his trade value, all is well.

The above three, no easy lay-ups. Those are the rules of the ACC.

4 more years

The Toronto Raptors are on a modest winning streak -- nothing like the one I saw shattered last night by the Wizards. (The Boy was watching it with me, and his question, "What's wrong with LeBron?")

Their last home game is rapidly approaching. Here is my ideal situation:

Raptors win, and as is tradition at the ACC, the post-game Player of the Game interview is done over the arena sound system.

Chris Bosh is the Player of the Game.

I would like to see Raptors fans start chanting en masse "Four more years. Four more years!" Like he was Nixon.

Simple, well known chant, that would remind CB4 that the fans in TO love him... and they bloody well should.

DId he just call CB4 a drag Queen?

You decide. Here is what Shaquille O'Neal had to say after beating in the Raptors brains and getting 40 pts for the first time since 2004. Bosh was complaining that the officials are slow to call 3 in the key on Shaq Daddy:

"I heard what Chris Bosh said, and that's strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men," O'Neal said. "I'm going to do the same thing (in their next meeting) I did before - make him quit. Make 'em quit and complain. It's what I do."

The RuPaul of big men.... that one may stick, he is a little delicate (he is also a derseving All-Star and a fantaastic franchise player.

For extra Shaq, he also said this:

"I think I'm the only player who looks at each and every center and says to myself, 'That's barbecued chicken down there.'

If CB4 is the RuPaul of big men, Shaquilel is the Young MC of NBA players rapping:



Or maybe the Fat Joe.....

LEAVE CHRIS BOSH ALONE FATTY...... and go have some more BBQ chicken.

Goodnight Moon

The NBA All-Star BReak saw the trading away of my least favourite Raptor, Jamario Moon, known for bad defence and taking stupid shots out of range way too early in the shot clock.

To Honour this great day in Raptor history, I am about to cruxify a classic. Enjoy:

In the General Manager's room
There was a telephone
And a red balloon
And a picture of -

Jamario Moon
And there was one Jermaine O'Neal sitting on a chair

And two Miami Heat
And a slicked back Pat Riley
And a man called the Matrix
And a young backup point guard

And a cry and a crush and a bowl full of losses
And Jose on crutches whispering hush

Goodnight room
Goodnight Moon
Goodnight O'Neal jumping over the Moon
Goodnight Reilly and the two Heat
Goodnight Matrix
Goodnight guard

Goodnight Jose
And goodnight Bosh
Goodnight losses and goodnight stupid threes
Goodnight ACC and goodnight Riley
Goodnight guards and goodnight Kopono's minutes
Goodnight nobody, goodnight mush
And goodnight to Jose on crutches whispering "hush"

Goonight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere .....

Good night Moon. May the door not hit you on the ass on the way out of town.

On the other hand, Jermaine O'Neil, when that overinflated contract is up, please, come on back. You are OK in my books. You are the first player in NBA history to be thrown out of their own bobblehead night, henceforth known as Joe-Neil.

Raptors, why have you forsaken me?

In honour of the Toronto Raptors seventh consecutive loss, I did a Perez to this
photo from the Toronto Star. Feel my pain.

Bosh is an All-Star

My love for the Toronto Raptors is deep and abiding, which is why I haven't been writing about them. Not much to write home about this year. 10-15 with a fired head coach and many blown leads.

Thing is, Chris Bosh deserves to be an All-Star, and China is the number one reason why he might not be.

See, there is this guy named Yi Jianlian and he is allegedly the fourth biggest celebrity in China. They allow voting for the All-Star team in China, and 1 billion Chinese are stuffing the ballot box to make sure their boy gets in.

Thing is, he plays the same position as CB4....

Whether you love the Raptors, don't want to loose to the Chinese, have a respect for fairness, have some sort of knee jerk nationalist response, or because you just want to be nice to me, vote for CB4.

VOTE HERE

Now for the Raptors. I am trying to watch all 82 games and it has been tough to sit through some of them. Here is what i would get each of them for X-mass:

New Head Coach Jay Triano: Advil, he's going to need it.

Chris Bosh: a place on the All-Star team would be my first choice, but it isn't a gift if you already deserve it. I would give him more games on ESPN, so he can stop whining about it in his blog.

Jose Calderon: Some respect, the man is third in the league in assists, hasn't missed a free throw all season long, and I still have to hear past their prime former All-Stars crack on him on NBA TV.

Jamario Moon: An electro shock collar that kicks in every time he thinks he should be shooting a three.

Jermaine O'Neal: A nice bottle of scotch to soothe his self depricating abuse. Look at him after a loss, no one is tougher on Jermaine than Jermaine. Plus, a titanium knee.

Anthony Parker: A clone, to help him get some rest when he has to defend Kobe Bryant, or whatever other All-Star quality 2 he has to defend on any given night.

Jason Kapono: A finish to the Kapono hook, which he has been displaying but not really effectively. He is going to get shots in the lane, might as well finish them.

Joey Graham: A t-shirt that says "Bad Joey Don't Live Here No More". Bad Joey is gone. One of the lone bright spots in this dismal season.

Andrea Bargnani: A consistant spot in the rotation, and some ear plugs so that he doesn't have to suffer anymore abuse at the hands of the Tornoto faithful.

Nathan Jawai: Continued good health. Glad to see the big guy not having to worry about his heart exploding.

Roko Ukic: A stylist. The NBA is the most fashionable league out there, you can't look like you just survived a shipwreck and get any respect out there.

For me, I just want a plus .500 record on this road trip. Starts tonight ahaingt the lowly two win Oklahoma City Thunder.

VOTE FOR CB4.

VOTE NOW.

Please.....

Round-up

Odds and ends on many topics we have covered here before:

FIRST ITEM: RAPTORS

The Raptors are .500. Cup half full, Jermaine O'Neal is coming into form nicely and if Bargnani keeps it up he could end up playing in a Three Big Line-up with Bosh and O'Neal, as the only 7ft small forward in the league.

Cup half empty, the three spot is either a guy who won't play his role (Moon), or a slow guy who can't defend (Kapono). The difference is, Moon doesn't know he can't shoot, Kapono knows he can't defend. Trade Moon and some of the bench to get a legit three. Plus, Calderon got hurt last night. Here's hoping four days is enough to help him recover.

I've seen parts of all of the first eight games. My goal is to watch all 82 this year, but life gets in the way of that sometimes. Thanks God for "Raptors Game in an Hour" on Raptors TV. They cut out the timeouts and some of the free throws and squeeze the game into a one hour block.

I've also managed to turn my partner into a basketball fan. The best way to do this is to watch the same team over and over again, until the person you are trying to hook gets to know what to expect from the players.

She also thinks Sam is cute when he makes his "I can't believe Moon took another three" face. To each their own.

NEXT ITEM: POLITICS

Go read these articles from Newsweek. They had reporters behind the scenes on both US Presidential campaigns. The deal was, no reporting until after the election. Fascinating stuff. I learned that Obama slid in a Jay-Z reference that the crowd got and the national press missed, and that he curses in private. Makes me like him more.

FINAL ITEM: THE FUNNY

The Boy made a video for YouTube. He usually just watches mash-ups of Kriby and Mario, but he wanted to put up something himself. So enjoy "The Ian Funny I", with many more to follow, as he has a limitless supply of those moves:

Say it ain't so Sam

I have been a Toronto Raptors through all of the bad, and the semi-sweet. Come up to me and say, "Vince Carter Rules" and you are likely to catch a swat from me. Being a Raptors fan is like being a Cubs fan, without the tragic shame of history crumbling around you.... mostly.

Being a Raps fan requires a colourful vocabulary. You might as well swear, because they aren't going to get any better overnight. If Andrea Bargnani could hear what I have to say he might, I don't know, leave town or pick his 7 foot ass up off the court and hustle for his $$$.

SAm Mitchell has been my favourite coach to handle the squad. He is no nonsense, and when his car commercial is on TV, The Boy says, "Look, he is smiling now."... because he doesn't in games.

Plus, really sharp dresser, which actually counts in the NBA.

Which is why I was so disappointed to read THIS.

Sam gave up cursing.... cold turkey.... what the fuck?

How can you coach the Toronto Raptors and not curse.. even a little bit?

"It's something to let (the players and public) know that, one, I'm growing and maturing every day," he said. "Two, I'm trying to get better not only as a coach but as a person; and, three, who wants to be screamed and yelled at and cursed at every day?"

I DON'T CARE IF THEY WANT IT, THOSE GUYS NEED TO BE CURSED AT EVERY DAY... ESPECIALLY THAT LANKY EUROPEAN FUCKSTICK WITH THE DULL GLARE OF AN UNDERACHEIVER IN HIS OVERPAID EYES. RED AUERBACH WOULD HAVE BURNED HIM WITH A CIGAR BY NOW!

Fuck that Sam, fucking let them fucking have it, right between the fucking eyes. Get their fucking attention, and never fucking let go. You are in a division with Dwight Howard and Kevin Garnett. That would have me waking up at night in a cold sweat, cursing loudly.

I'll be watching the pre-season game tonight, and Sam, I don't expect to see you cursing. It is still the pre-season, you have time to work into it. BUT DON'T LET UP ON THESE FUCKERS.

You fucking know it. I fucking know it. They fucking need you to fucking stick it to them.

Except for Chris Bosh. I want him swearing at his teammates too.

Visual explanation of cartoon horror

Sing it with me:

It's a small world, after all

First quarter blues

Someone tell the Toronto Raptors that there are 4 quarters in a basketball game, and that they should show up for all of them.

Twice in a row now, the Toronto Raptors have dug themselves giant holes in the first quarter, only to have solid comebacks, and last night, finish one shot away from victory.

Points in the first quarter are as important as ones in the fourth.

I hate you Dwight Howard, and so does my son. He is only 6 and 1/2 months old, but he cries whenever you knock down Chris Bosh.

To add insult to injury, in the first quarter, as the Orlando Magic were pulling away to a giant lead, I heard a familiar song on the public address system in Orlando.... "Courage" by The Tragically Hip. Instead of playing the entire song, they were just playing the bit:

Courage
My word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter

I get it, the Raps have no courage.... very clever.

Using a very Canadian specific band to get under the skin of Canadian fans, in a backhanded slap that was probably only understood by me, well, I really have to tip my hat to that. That was low.

Next game in Toronto, we are going to have that polar bear from The Leafs sodomize Mickey Mouse at halfcourt, while "It's a Small World" plays. Turnabout is fair play, jerks.

Sam M-fing Mitchell

Why I love Raptors head Coach Sam Mitchell:

"Injuries are part of sports, it happens," Mitchell said. "There's nothing you can do about it, so there's no point in wasting energy worrying about it. What am I going to do, beat the trainer up?"

Sam is the perfect coach for a young club trying to meet their potential, and hopefully is the guy to take them to the Finals, where they will lose to someone from the West.

My step-son calls him "the guy who never smiles" until he sees the Ford commercial, when he goes, "Look, he's smiling!" He also says "That's Chris Bosh" every time Bosh throws one down.

One of the best dressed coaches in the league, a smooth operator with the press, and an all around good guy. Perfect for hockey mad Toronto, Sam is a rock, and will not give the Toronto Sun any ammo to attack the Raps.

GO RAPTORS.